lots of honesty

as i was going through all of our pictures the other day i discovered a handful that i had never seen before.  for some reason they had not been uploaded to our computer.  they were from day 8 and 9 of ever's life.
i was amazed to see just how tiny she was or how big her skull fracture was....sometimes i forget because you can't even tell she had it now.
8 day old ever

can you tell i was in love with her tiny hands?
and look at those long nails...i was afraid to cut them.

  i am amazed to see that little person in those pictures who was such a stranger to me and then look at the rambunctious 9 month old playing next to me who i now know so well.  it is all very unreal.  i sadly didn't feel that connection with ever right away.  i certainly loved her but she was so foreign to me, such a difficult little lady who cried almost all the time and hated to sleep.  i just didn't understand her.  now i understand every little thing about her and i learn more each day.  i know her quirks and know much more about who she is and i love that.  reflecting on those earlier days made me feel so many things.  it made me wish i could rewind to her early days so bad with what i know now.  it made me sad because i felt cheated out of that joyful time during the beginning of her life.  buckle up because things are about to get real...more real than they have been before about exactly what the beginning with ever was like.
i guess i was slightly ashamed and never ready to talk about this before but i think it is important to be honest about it so here you go.  basically i'm going to be honest about what an emotional wreck i was after ever was born and how some of those days were my darkest.  i cried almost daily especially when will went back to work after being home with us 2 weeks.  i cried a bunch if he called me or text me.  i cried just about all day every day for a week or more, then the crying lessened over time.  before ever was born i never imagined i'd feel the way i did.  i guess you could call it some form of post postpartum depression or maybe a hormonal imbalance mixed with the fact that i was barely sleeping and my body was trying to heal from a c-section plus this tiny person i was now responsible for on the outside was just very difficult.  she would be crying and i would be holding her crying right along with her very often.  there were only a couple people that witnessed this time of my life and i think the one who tried to understand it best was will.  he felt so bad for me and didn't really know what to do.  a midst all of the emotions i was struggling with i felt so incredibly connected to will in a way i can't quite explain or even understand.  i would have been happy if we could literally be super glued together at every moment of the day.  i just constantly wanted him around holding my hand and giving me a hug telling me it would all get better.  i never had thoughts of harming myself or ever.  i was just really sad and felt helpless.  waking up in the morning seemed like torture because i was still so exhausted and then i had this little baby crying almost every moment needing something but also not wanting what i was trying to give her.  all the needs of my own were put on the back burner.  i didn't want to set ever down for a minute to get something to eat or go to the bathroom because i knew that meant lots of crying.  i felt such anxiety hearing her cry that i did every single thing i could to prevent it even if that meant being uncomfortable myself.  at the time i felt like there would never be a light at the end of the tunnel.  i spent every single day glued to the couch hoping that if i tried all the tricks in the book (which i did) my breast milk would eventually come in completely and i wouldn't have to supplement formula.  i think 90% of my days were spent feeding ever.  trying to nurse then topping her off with formula.  she loved breast feeding but hated drinking formula so i constantly felt bad because giving her a bottle was a struggle even if she was super hungry.  i felt like a failure even though i tried every possible thing that i could for probably longer than i should have for sanity's sake.  after more than 6 months ever finally decided herself that she wasn't interesting in nursing anymore.  it just gradually happened.  sometimes i'm still sad when i think about how that never worked like i wanted it to, but i did what i could so that is all that matters.  i have to say although i really miss ever's younger stages when i watch videos or look at pictures, this stage now is my favorite in many ways.  she is finally sleeping better.  she is so funny and we get to laugh together all the time. she can keep herself entertained for quite some time which is nice.  it is just so fun to see how much she learns, changes, and grows each day.
you'd think that because the beginning with her felt so difficult that i'd never want to have another child but it's actually quite the opposite.  will and i dream about the day that we have another baby.  originally i said i'd never do it again (when i was in those dark beginning days) but i feel that we are natural born parents.  however we are going to wait until our wild little lady is a bit more manageable to consider having another one.
oh and just so you know...now that i found all of these old pictures i won't be able to resist sharing them so get ready for more of teeny tiny ever minus all the honest words that were meant to be in a short story version but turned into a long story.  just expect lots of pictures of that adorable miniature feisty girl.  

1 comment:

  1. It makes me sad for you too, that you couldn't experience the beginning knowing her like you do now. But you're so normal. I can't tell you how many similar stories I've heard or read on blogs. It's obvious how much you both love Ever. I can't wait for baby #2.


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