the connection

at about 1:00 am on july 26th something happened, something i had been anticipating since i discovered i was pregnant.  i was trying to get my little night owl settled in for the evening, and while doing so, with will by my side i was scrolling through old pictures and videos on our camera.  i am rather obsessed with these pictures.  i can't even tell you how many times i have looked at them, partially because i love them since they tell the story of a new chapter in our life and partially because i have been trying to make that chapter seem real.  i have heard so many stories from moms of the moment they felt "the connection".  you know that intense feeling of love that forms an insanely strong bond and makes the dream suddenly real.  some people say it happened while they were pregnant but most say it happened the moment they held their baby for the first time.  while i was pregnant i felt connected to ever but not that insane thing they speak of.  i loved being pregnant.  i loved every kick and simply knowing that she was so close to me all the time.  although my waist was expanding and every ultrasound confirmed a life developing inside me it still just seemed extremely surreal, for will and i both.  we had many conversations about when we thought it would all come together and seem real to us.  we for sure thought that would happen when we held ever for the first time.  i adored her in those first moments, days, and weeks but still i didn't feel that magical connection just yet.  even during the reality of her constant need for attention from me in one way or another i didn't quite grasp that i was a mom and this little bundle was mine. i love ever and would do anything for her.  i put every need of hers before my own but still our relationship seemed unreal.  i started to feel like a bit of a failure that i had yet to feel "the connection".   maybe it was the extreme sleep deprivation, the fact that she was a very fussy newborn, or the fact that i was struggling so much with my own emotions that our connection was delayed.  i'm not sure why it was delayed but one thing i'm absolutely certain of is that in those early morning hours, as i sat on our bed with tears in my eyes looking at the days old version of ever on our camera and the almost four month old sleeping peacefully in front of me...it happened.  the long awaited and much anticipated connection i had been desperately hoping for happened and it all became real.  


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  2. Aww, isn't it great?! One of the things we were talking about in class is all the hormonal interactions that take place when you have your baby, and how they affect bonding. Drugs for pain or for a c-section affect those hormones, and I'm sure that played some role in you not feeling it right away. Of course that doesn't mean someone who has the drugs is going to LOVE their baby less, but it does affect your hormones, which obviously play a large role in our feelings. (PMS? Haha) So anyway, don't feel like a failure, some of it is physical! You love your baby angel!

  3. What a sweet story! I think you had it all along that is just the moment you could recognize it. I saw you with your girl and could see the bond you shared. You are a great mommy and she is so lucky to have you! Xoxo


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