august sixth

today my mind keeps going back to one year ago on this date, because that is when we found out ever was going to be joining our family.  i have an extremely detailed recollection of that morning when i saw a positive pregnancy test, and everything that happened during the day.  it was a very emotional, and to be honest scary thing for me.  i've always wanted to be a mom but in that moment i didn't feel ready at all.  now i can't imagine my life without ever in it.  my famous first words after realizing i was pregnant are still something we quote and laugh about regularly.

between tears......"now we can't go to disneyland."  

it was something we had been planning since our first wedding anniversary trip we took there in november of the previous year.  now i just can't wait for ever to be old enough that we can take her with us and enjoy those fun moments as a family of three.  i sometimes can't believe how much our lives have changed in the last year and what is even more unbelievable is that it all happened so fast.  

the four month old

ever is four months old today.

one major thing i've noticed about her lately is how much happier she is.  

she was such a fussy newborn but now she is happy without being held every minute.  

she laughs, smiles, and "talks" every moment she is awake.

yesterday at her 4 month check up she had the entire office falling in love with her.  one person working there said she won the cutest baby of the day award.  she was so animated with everyone especially the doctor, she loves her.  our pediatrician said...she gets bored easily doesn't she.  why yes she does.  as she went through the checklist of typical four month old milestones i answered yes to every one, and when she asked about rolling from tummy to back i answered with she's already rolling back to tummy.  dr. lafredo just chuckled and said oh that's typically a six month milestone.  yeah well once again proof that our girl doesn't like being limited by her baby body.  after the discussion ever got a couple shots and i heard a cry from her i've never heard.  it was even worse than the last round of shots.  she actually screamed like a scream from a horror film.  i felt so bad for her.  it took her a few minutes to calm down but then she was back to her adorable busy happy self.  

i can tell she isn't really feeling well today but it's fine because it gives me extra time to cuddle and kiss her....she is still being so sweet. 

flashing that cute tummy.

visiting yaya after her terrible ordeal and looking rather grown up.

showing off her battle wounds.

our little four month old weighs 12 pounds 11 ounces and she's 25 inches long.

i love this baby girl way too much.

oh and her dad.....well he's equally if not more obsessed.

as promised...

here is the video i mentioned in this post.

it takes her about 20 seconds to decide i'm funny and this laughter is not near as boisterous as the laughter that came from her when i was actually choking.

still....it is so cute!

the connection

at about 1:00 am on july 26th something happened, something i had been anticipating since i discovered i was pregnant.  i was trying to get my little night owl settled in for the evening, and while doing so, with will by my side i was scrolling through old pictures and videos on our camera.  i am rather obsessed with these pictures.  i can't even tell you how many times i have looked at them, partially because i love them since they tell the story of a new chapter in our life and partially because i have been trying to make that chapter seem real.  i have heard so many stories from moms of the moment they felt "the connection".  you know that intense feeling of love that forms an insanely strong bond and makes the dream suddenly real.  some people say it happened while they were pregnant but most say it happened the moment they held their baby for the first time.  while i was pregnant i felt connected to ever but not that insane thing they speak of.  i loved being pregnant.  i loved every kick and simply knowing that she was so close to me all the time.  although my waist was expanding and every ultrasound confirmed a life developing inside me it still just seemed extremely surreal, for will and i both.  we had many conversations about when we thought it would all come together and seem real to us.  we for sure thought that would happen when we held ever for the first time.  i adored her in those first moments, days, and weeks but still i didn't feel that magical connection just yet.  even during the reality of her constant need for attention from me in one way or another i didn't quite grasp that i was a mom and this little bundle was mine. i love ever and would do anything for her.  i put every need of hers before my own but still our relationship seemed unreal.  i started to feel like a bit of a failure that i had yet to feel "the connection".   maybe it was the extreme sleep deprivation, the fact that she was a very fussy newborn, or the fact that i was struggling so much with my own emotions that our connection was delayed.  i'm not sure why it was delayed but one thing i'm absolutely certain of is that in those early morning hours, as i sat on our bed with tears in my eyes looking at the days old version of ever on our camera and the almost four month old sleeping peacefully in front of me...it happened.  the long awaited and much anticipated connection i had been desperately hoping for happened and it all became real.  

new story...old pictures

so yesterday ever was on my lap and i was eating edamame.  i swallowed a piece wrong and started coughing really hard.  my eyes were watering as i kept coughing and clearing my throat.  ever had a funny reaction to my nonstop coughing.  she cracked up!  it was about a month ago that we heard her very first giggle and since then she has laughed more and more but this was an all out cracking up laugh like never before.  the more i coughed the more she laughed.  too bad i wasn't able to record her because it was hilarious.  my mom says ever laughing at my pain is payback since i have a bad habit of laughing at people when they trip or fall or anything like that. i guess she is just like me.  

later in the night as i was getting her ready for bed i started coughing and clearing my throat for fun to see what her reaction would be.  i didn't think she would laugh again but she totally did and i recorded it.  her laughter wasn't quite as boisterous as it was when the real deal was happening but it was still so cute.  i'll have to get the video on here soon.   

the tiny days

ever was about 4 weeks old in this video.

she has grown so fast and sometimes i dislike that reality.

i'm glad i recorded so many moments, because when i miss her tiny days i can look back at pictures and videos like this.

she amazes me.

ever's latest...

i keep intending to catch up on the blog but ever keeps me very busy and the times i'm not tending to her needs i'm trying to catch up on other stuff.  i hope i figure out how to balance my time better soon.  some days it seems like things are getting so much easier then there are days like today when i am functioning on very little sleep and ever has had so many meltdowns.  over the weekend she was such a doll.  it was as if she really found her voice and was very excited about it.  she spoke her sweet baby language all day long.  we couldn't stop laughing about how vocal she was.  she's always been pretty expressive but recently she is taking it to another level and i adore her "talking".  i don't want to forget her cute quirks and eventful days so it's my goal to find time to document things on the blog a little more often.

taking pictures on my phone is the easier thing these days so here are a few of the most recent shots...

her "angelina lips" according to my mom.

ever's doctor seems to think she has a bit of acid reflux that could be causing her cranky outbursts so she prescribed this nasty medicine to see if it would help.  luckily i do notice a difference in her behavior.  if only the medicine tasted better.  i wanted to know why she puts up such a fight about taking it so i tasted the stuff......it's so nasty but it seems to be helping.  can you tell she isn't thrilled about her first prescription?

i remember one of the ultrasound pictures she was doing this same stink bug pose in the womb.

she liked it then and likes it now.

post meltdown one evening.

see how she's holding her duck toy?

her two car seat toys are absolute lifesavers.  she loves them.  

thanks for the duck aleasha!

uncle brandon doesn't do baby talk or really much talking at all to her but she still loves him.

she always seems fascinated by her uncle.  

she was laughing at him right before i took this picture on the 4th of july.

here she was showing of her patriotic kitty outfit on the 4th.

this is the face i get when i take her out of the bathtub.  she would stay in there all night if i let her.  sometimes when she is upset and nothing i try helps i give her a bath...even if she doesn't need one....and she is a happy girl.

we like to show her the moon.

yesterday we met bobbie and mia at starbucks...ever certainly stole the show with her cuteness.  mia loved her, bobbie loved her, and so did all the strangers.

she likes when her papa takes a break from work to stop in and say hi.

playing video games with uncle brandon is one of her new favorite things to do.

she is happy about getting fancy.

this picture and the rest that i took of her in her halloween costume over the weekend kill me.  so adorable i can barely stand it.  i laughed so hard at our baby bat.  she was acting extra cute when we tried this on her for fun.  

i hope it fits at halloween.

i call this evolution of a smile.  her smile kept getting bigger as i was snapping pictures like the crazy picture obsessed mom i am.  my phone has filled up several times since she was born, to the point where i can't take pictures unless i upload and delete the ones on there.  that never happened before i had her.  even after i upload them i have an irrational fear about deleting them from my phone.

she loves eating her hands and i actually caught her sucking her thumb for the first time yesterday which i thought was the most adorable thing in the world.

her smiles and giggles just get better as the days go on.